May's here again.

Salam people. 

It's third of May. My all time favourite month is here again. Today is Friday, I am alone in the room, doing nothing, basically. Listening to Chen's Beautiful Goodbye, had a cup of hot milo.., just chilling. Will I be a happy girl this month? this year? Idk tho. I asked myself this question repeatedly every year when May comes. And every time of course, I dont even know how to answer it. I dont want to have any expectations anymore, it hurts. Expectation kills me. Therefore I guess, I am going to think that my birthday will be so....so plain. Just like another day. But I will celebrate it at home this year, I guess that's a bonus point. I will be better. Please dont bother to send me a birthday wish again, you. Just put a stop to it. 

Lately I am a lil bit sad, I cried again this morning. Told my secret to her, I never wanted to do that but......I guess someone need to know. It's been a while since I kept this to myself. It's been years for God's sake, but it's still so hard for me. Even with time, it does not get better. It's a cycle. Nothing will change. Maybe because I wasnt that strong girl, anyway. It doesn't hurt less, it hurts just the same. Of course, you will never imagine how it feels like unless you've been through it. And I swear, you dont want to. Before you lose it all, appreciate every little time with the people you love. If you asked me what I wanted the most right now, I want a time machine. I want to be there again, at the back of our car. (now Im listening to FOOL by WINNER aaaa I want to cry) 

And for you, yes you, you know who you are. Im sorry for not replying. This feeling just come again after you took 2 weeks to reply my messages. Maybe youre busy I know I did this too sometimes to you, but this time around my feelings for you are very much gone. Again, yes I know. It doesnt feel right but it doesnt feel wrong either. Im......tired. Of us. Of this thing. I know Im being selfish again. We cant force something to happen right? If it does not spark any joy, then it doesnt. I cant be hypocrite, I cant lie to myself. But me being so indecisive... made everything becomes worse than how it already is. 

And for my bestfriend, I am sorry Ive hurt you with my actions. I know it was so childish. You even built those walls around you and you never did before. Youve become someone else and I feel so guilty for that. But I hope you'll see how I tried to console you and to mend everything. I saw the cookies on your table just now, you dont even eat that yet. Are you still mad at me? I mean- you left without telling me where early this morning. Its funny how everything can crumble in a second. One time we're hugging tightly, and one time we dont even want to see each other's face. Funny how life works right? Everything is not guaranteed. 

Apart from that, thank you everyone who did gave me endless support. Telling me goodjobs, accompany me anywhere I want to go, bought me food, help me with studies, asked me whether Ive taken my meals, asked me if I am okay..... Thank you so much. For every good deed you did to me, I hope Allah SWT will repay you a thousand times more. Sorry for always whining. 

I miss home. I miss my family. 7 days more! I cant wait. 

And here lies my happiness-that is long gone. Till then, wait for my mandatory birthday post! 

mynn

10:32 AM

in the room 4.4 (d)

Hafsah, block E