Unexpected.

Assalamualaikum, guess everyone is sleeping now.

It's 1:28 AM in my lappy, it's 1.34 AM in my phone. I dont know which to believe actually let's just use both. Here I am deep in my thoughts, trying to convert them into words. It's been a long week actually, so much things going on but I can handle them very well, Alhamdulillah. Been busy for the past few days because of Peers Programme that I joined, and being a committee, so much fun.

Lets organize things up.

Started the week with my impromptu speech assessment, I was so cuak waiting my name to be called. I want to finish it fast but at the same time I was takut also. Madam called names from the bottom of the list so of course my name is included so there I went. I did it quite well, I think. So satisfied I was so happy it was like phewwww done finally. I got such an easy tajuk la actually. It's about homework. I can relate tho, everyone hate homework. Hah ha.

And then, yeah about the programme. The programme started on Wednesday, and I was one of the first person in charge to jaga booth that morning. Memula cam awkward to terangkan all about the tests ( i dont wanna describe abt the tests here, not important ) especially to brothers. And to ajak diorang to attend the talk that night where you need to approach them and "brother, jemput datang talk malam ni" huhu. Tapi tak ramai sangat lah kaum adam yang lalu situ so ok. I dont even know why sejak masuk cfs ni I am being so awkward to talk to boys, except kalau cam perlu cakap such as buat assignment ke apa, tu boleh la. ( eh asal tak menarik sangat cerita ni )

That night, kitorang dah setup setup for the talk. So me and aina duk kat luar lecture hall tu sementara tunggu speaker sampai, suddenly I received a call from my sister. She sounds like on the urge of crying, I was like "what happened??? Dont say something bad happened to my parents............." Dalam hati. And then she said about my uncle who passed away not long before she called me. I was shocked, because it really was unexpected. Being away from home for too long, idek what actually happened to my relatives and all. But last week I did call my mom and she told me about my uncle who is sick at that time, but I thought its not serious enough, but suddenly, he gone.

I am not really rapat with him, but yeah I do anggap him like my own father, because his wife is my favourite aunt in the world, she resembles my mom a lot and I always thought her as my own mother. I want to go home but so much things to finish this weekend, all the assignments and stuffs, and also the annoying process to just go home in cfs. At first I was okay, I dont cry. Innalillahiwainnalillahirajiun, I quickly recite Al-Fatihah and rushed to the lecture hall bcs the speaker had arrived and Im in charge of the camera (taking photos) that night. During the talk, I sat in the lecture hall, trying to focus on what the speaker was trying to talk about.......but I just cant. I posted in twitter ig and whatsapp asking my friend and basically everyone who read that to sedekahkan Al-fatihah also. Not because I was batak or all. Not because ish semua socmeds dia nak tulis macam tu. Sorry if you guys think like that but thats the only thing I can do. Being away from all the family members................they probably crying right now, it must be hard for them. At least you guys can gain pahala also, right?

So I tried to control my feeling but I just cant. I got carried away with my thoughts. I know my mom is crying right now, ( my sister told me on the phone ) and that just breaks my heart, as a whole. I cried during the talk but not really. Nangis sikit je bcs takut orang perasan. I want to know what happened at home rn so I decided to go to the toilet, to call my mom, just to make sure that she is okay. She loves her abang ipar so much, I know that. I passed the camera to Aina and then I went down the stairs. I was sobbing in the toilet quite lama lah. Tambah tambah when I talked to my mom. She was in the middle of reciting Surah Yasin with my family members. I want to be there....I want to be at home. My mom asked me to call Tatiey ( my cousin, arwah's third child ) to give her spirit. I just said okay to my mom, while crying actually. Sebak. Then I decided to just whatsapp her bcs....I cant talk at that time or else I'll cry, and that will make her even sadder. I dont expect her to reply my whatsapp, really. So yes I kuatkan semangat then naik atas balik, then duduk lam lecture hall sampai talk habis. Aina knows I was crying then she kinda comfort me. And then habis talk to macam okay....tak rasa sedih dah. Duk lepak ngan committee lain sampai pukul 12 macam tu tak silap. Okay diorang memang new family and was so fun gila ( ala program dah habis, sedih la ) . Siap gate terkunci lagi so we was like what?? Camne nak balik mahallah ni?? Erm, biasalah, pak guard UIA suka main gurau gurau, mesra lah katakan. Pft.

Sampai je bilik, cepat cepat solat Isyak, and then baca Yasin for arwah. Then rasa macam nak baca tahlil ringkas, macam selalu buat kat sekolah dulu kalau dengar ada kematian, kat surau. Bersyukur nya masuk sekolah asrama, dapat tahu ada kewujudan tahlil ringkas. Kalau tak, entah lah. I dont have the solid book with me so I googled the tahlil and read it. Tetiba ada whatsapp message masuk. Tatiey reply :'(

" Takpe kitorang faham, Na belajar kan "
" Jaga diri "
" Doakan kami kuat dan redha "

And then...........Air mata keluar macam air terjun. In the middle of reciting doa tahlil. Tersedu sedan sorang sorang, tapi gagahkan jugak diri nak habiskan doa tu. Allahu, besarnya dugaan Allah SWT bagi kat diorang. Semua tiba tiba, it happened too fast...........I cant even. I apologized to her sebab takleh balik so dia reply camtu. That " jaga diri " tu memang Ya Allah...........
Kuatkan lah hati mereka adik beradik, kuatkanlah hati Chik :(
Hilang orang yang kita sayang tu, memang sakit tak terkata. Last time aku rasa macam tu in 2013, when my aunt passed away. Masa tu I was in form 3. And yeah kalau ikutkan in 2015 pun aku rasa benda yang sama, tapi hilang orang macam tu tak sama dengan hilang family members. Permanently.

Yelah, ni time diorang. Satu hari nanti, aku pun akan rasa benda sama. Kita semua akan rasa. The thought of it je dah boleh buat aku menangis tak henti..........apalagi kalau masa jadi nanti. Ya Allah, mintak sangat supaya dapat buat mereka bangga dengan aku dulu........... ok taknak cakap lebih. Panjangkan lah umur mereka Ya Allah..........

Aku takleh tidur malam tu. Kejap okay, kejap nangis. Fikir diorang, it must be such a long, lonely, rough night for them. Janji Allah SWT tu pasti. Mati tu pasti. Ajal maut semua kat tangan Dia, kan? Allahu. I hope right now they are okay. Ye, bukan mudah nak heal. Takes time. Semoga mereka tabah. Mereka yang aku dah anggap macam adik beradik sendiri. I told Tatiey to be strong, and cakap aku nak balik sangat and be with them :'( Pastu Tatiey reply " Takpe Na, Na kuatkan. Kuat untuk kami kat sini." Allahu. Tatiey and all, I love you guys so much...................

Pagi tadi aku masih lagi menangis sebenarnya. Macam tu lah. Perasaan susah dikawal. Kita kena sabar and redha, semua tu Qada' dan Qadar Allah SWT.

Dan, begitulah.

Al- Fatihah to Ayah De Abdullah.

mynn

2:29 AM