At the lowest point.

Salam, to all.

Today is kind of, rough. When I did not gain what I expected to, and it is really hard to accept the fact. I always screw things up, even when I am so close to, well, at least, to have better marks. Of course, it is myself to blame. I dont blame anyone else. Its my fault and therefore, I need to deal with it. Whether I like it or not. But the blame turns into hatred, and sadness.And I feel worthless. It is something that I always do, I keep blaming myself until I feel like Im dead inside. To love yourself is hard, actually. Especially when youre in the situations where you start to question why? Why does it happen. You dont question God why youre happy. You only wonder why youre sad, having a hard time, lost the person you loved.

I did cry a lot today. It's unbearable, the feeling. The smell of failures suffocates me. It is not a big deal actually, but me just being me, not a positive thinker. I overthink, and plus its been a while since I went home, so I am homesick, I think of my mom and dad, all the possibilities that might happened, I worry I cannot make them proud of me. Because its been a while too, since the last time I made them proud. Its like all of sudden I feel vulnerable and weak, all the feelings mixed up, I can do nothing but to cry them out. And, since I am not good in expressing my feelings through verbal, and dont want to burden anyone to listen to my anxieties and craps, I think its better for me to write it here.

It reminds me of my former state, weak like this, in 2014 and 2015. I feel hopeless. I feel like shutting down myself, but well, human arent computers. How sadness can be so dangerous, it can lure you to believe that there is no one is going to care about you, youre left alone in this battle of yours. It can make you hate your own existence, former self, current self, your past, your flaws.  It can swallow you right up and only leave numbness to your heart. At the end of the day, you only have you, and your God. Maybe it is one of my Ramadhan trials, even though it is only the second day of fasting.

I know it is useless to have a pair of swollen eyes due to excessive crying, because it cannot change anything anyway. But this is how I handle my sadness. If I dont cry it out, maybe I will lose my mind. I cannot help myself. It comes without any warning- the urge to cry. Final week is hard, indeed. I miss my beauty sleep. I hate myself for being so weak and whining almost everytime. It's just... I cannot change that.

I just want to go home right now.

p/s : every single year, i will be curious whether i will be a happy girl or not during my birthday, so how about this year? haha bullsh*t, i will not. 

mynn

12:12 AM